


Taking Time

by Rainernight



Series: Taking [2]
Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Drama, F/M, Feelings, Heartbreak, Romance, Smut, Swearing, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 07:53:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8836462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainernight/pseuds/Rainernight
Summary: I waited for him, and he came.I waited for him, and he left. He would always leave.I didn't know that I would see him less and less as time went by, that my relationship with him would be one spent on Skype and my cellphone.I thought it would be enough.I wanted it to be enough.My name is Carina Daniels, and this is a story about how I gained the love of my life, and lost him in a matter of time.





	

1.

_Jensen,_

_Everything is broken. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve spent so much of the last 18 months spent making sure you were okay that I’d forgotten to think about myself. I’ve forgotten who I was. Who I am. Who I’m meant to be._

_And I love you._

_You’re going to hate me for this, I know you are. But how can I possibly be with you, when I’m so lost in you and your life and your career that who I am doesn’t seem to matter anymore. It matters to me. And it should matter to you._

_And I love you._

_I know what you’re going to say, the same thing you’ve been saying to me for the past year. You left your wife for me, you left your life for me. You left JJ for me. I never asked you to. If I knew then what I know now we would never be in this mess. I would’ve left the convention early, I would’ve avoided you, I would’ve disappeared._

_Not because you haven’t made me blissfully happy but because of all the in between moments where you think I don’t notice, where you think I can’t see you or feel you, and feel that you’re lost. You fell out of a marriage and into my bed and my life and I fell into yours. How can that be okay? How can that be healthy?_

_You need to grieve for your wife. You need to grieve for your former life and your family. You need to be okay and I don’t know how to fix you. I’m at a loss, sweetheart. You are my life, but how can that be all that there is for us? We exist so entirely in one another’s pockets that a day without you feels like a lifetime and I can’t breathe. I need to breathe without you darling. I need to be okay._

_You need to be okay._

_And I love you._

_I hope you understand my love. This is for the best._

_Carina  
X_

I folded the letter, stuffing it into an envelope I’d found in Jensen’s study. I was surprised it was as well stocked as it was, considering he was very rarely here long enough to even use it. I suppose we all have the best of intentions when we begin things. I know I did. 

I scrawled his name on the front of the envelope, sealing it closed with my tongue. I placed it on the desk in front of me, looking around. Nothing in here felt of him, it didn’t even smell of him. 

I tidied what I’d used and held the letter in my hand, leaving the study, pulling the door closed behind me.

I looked up the hallways of what was supposed to be my home. I had given up so much for him, my apartment, my friends, my life. I felt guilty. Why was it that this entire relationship was dripping with the stain of guilt? That everything we did or tried to do never worked out because neither one of us was willing to admit that maybe this wasn’t working, or that maybe this wasn’t meant to be.

I loved Jensen. I still do. I love him. This was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done.

I felt for my phone in my pocket, pulling it out to call a cab to take me to the airport. I was about to dial, when a call came through, his name and picture came flashing across my screen and I felt the panic rise in my chest. I quickly hurried down the hallway to the front entrance, pulling my bags with me.

He stopped calling, only to recall two seconds later. 

“Shit.” I swore, looking around for an escape. If I don’t answer, he’ll know. If I do answer, he’ll know. I swallowed, and took a deep breath to try and calm my pounding heart. And slid the green button across. “Hi!” I answered, trying to sound light.

He was quiet for a beat, “I know what you’re doing Carina.” I could hear the sadness in his voice and I struggled to keep the emotion out of mine.

“What are you talking about, Ackles? I’m just cleaning the study.” I lied, laughing lightly.

He scoffed down the phone line. “Don’t. Lie to me. Carina.” He said louder this time, each word coming out like a knife. “I can see you.” He said and I looked around, unsure of what he meant. He was in Texas, not Vancouver. “You left the security cameras on, Carrie.” He said, this time sadder, less angry.

I looked up at the camera in the front foyer that we’d had set up facing the door. I stared at the red light that meant it was recording, and I knew. He could check those cameras from anywhere in the country. “Why are you spying on me now?”

“Don’t turn this around on me, Carina. I wasn’t spying on you. I just…I god damn missed you okay? I wanted to see, I wanted to see-you. I wanted to see you, okay? And low and behold I turn the cameras on my laptop and you’re leaving me? You’re god damn leaving me, Carrie?” He was panicked. I hated myself.

“I’m not leaving you!”

“Stop lying!” He yelled this time. Stopping me in my tracks. I shut my eyes, not wanting to let him get to me. “You’ve packed your bags, you wrote me a note, I’ve seen everything.”

“And that’s why I have to do this, Jensen. You’re, suffocating me, okay?”

Silence, for several seconds, followed. “Suffocating you?”

I looked up at the camera. “I didn’t want you to see me leave. I didn’t want you to be here. I didn’t want you to look at me and watch me give up on us.”

“Why are you doing this, Carrie? After everything.” He was crying now. I was sure of it. 

“I can’t be what you need, Jen. I can’t wait for you to come home. I can’t wait for you while you’re on set every day. I can’t wait for you to want to be with me.”

“I do want to be with you! You knew what you were signing up for when I met you. You knew how it would be! You knew it would be hard! God, I have not once made you do anything you didn’t want to do, Carina. I have not once made you feel like you weren’t the most important person in my life.”

I sighed. “I’m not though, Jen. I’m not the most important. And I never will be. And you will never be mine.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He sounded offended.

I ran my hand over my stomach, looking back up at the camera. I heard his sharp intake of breath.

“You’re not…oh my god. Jesus, Carrie. Don’t leave, not like that. Don’t you dare.”

I let the tears fall from my eyes. “I have to do what’s best for the baby, Jensen.”

“Jesus, fucking Christ, no, Carina don’t you dare! Don’t you dare leave me!” I heard him screaming down the phone line, willing me to stay, willing me with every fiber in his body not to give up on him, or to take our child with me. But I had to.

Because in the process of losing myself, I’d lost him too. 

And the baby, the baby might not be his.

I fled the house, and the memories. I pulled my bags out of the van, looking up at the apartment building, hoping no one had seen me come here. I quickly made my way past the door man that I knew pretty well by now and into the elevators. I pressed for the 26th floor and waited, watching the numbers light up and go out. The elevator stopped and the doors slid open. I grabbed my bags, heaving them up the corridor I'd walked countless times, taking me to 26F.

I knocked and waited.

The door flung open a few seconds later, blue eyes staring down at me with his phone in his hand. I looked at the phone and back at him.

"It's Jensen." He mouthed to me and I felt a tear slip from my eye. "Look buddy, I'll call you back, something's come up." He said and hung up without waiting for a reply. "You did it." He said, staring at me in a mixture of shock and awe.

"Misha," I sighed, letting the tears flood me now as I threw myself into his arms.


End file.
